So....weather?

It’s the cornerstone of every bad conversation start but I have to say something now….

How about this weather eh? There I said it.

This fucking weather is really starting to do my head in. Actually I’m not entirely sure how valid that statement is.

Am I pissed with the weather? Who do I blame?

The planet? Myself for using CFC filled packaging during the 80’s (no…I’m not going to blame myself. That would be mental) and generally bring about the destruction of the planet through waste and pollution and global warming.

Do I blame the weathermen for not being able to predict they were about to be run over while they stand motionless on a railway track of a regularly scheduled train. Those guys really do suck at their job. Sometimes I worry that I may not be up to whatever job I’m currently doing and then I think… “hmmm, but at least I’m not a weatherman. Those fuckers get it wrong 90% of the time. The rest of the time they just look out of the window”. If you’re a weatherman – or indeed weather lady, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Sexist generalisation alert:

If you’re a weather woman, you’re not really interested in weather are you? You’re just hoping that at some point you’ll be picked up by the media and you’re just using isobars and fishing forecasts to catapult yourself on to tv. Aren’t you? Admit it. Ok, don’t believe me. Check out all the weathermen/women on TV, loads of old blokes and young-ish women wannabes hoping that from badly predicting the weather, they get catapulted to fame and fortune possibly presenting some lame cost-nothing reality DIY / makeover show. Go on….admit it.

If you’re a weatherman, you should just be ashamed of yourself. Lying to us all the time. If you are a weatherman, ask yourself this…when was the last time you accurately predicted the weather using your science and not from cribbing off someone else or just making it up after looking outside. Shame on you. You don’t deserve your place on TV telling us about how some areas will be cold and others hot. You are a man-twat.

Who else can I blame?

Oh yes…the infrastructure holders. Councils…I’m looking at you and inability to ready anything in time. Obviously the team meetings take too long to arrange when the snow starts falling.

OK…..one last group to attack….

The media. You fuckers can’t decide what’s the truth and what’s not. If you don’t know exactly how much grit a county has, don’t just make it the fuck up to scare everyone into thinking that once again, civilization as we know it is less than two weeks away.

In an unprecedented move I’ve decided to not name and shame individuals and instead use a fictional media service to highlight my ridicule….

“Oh no, The CCB has said that where I live, which is not in London, is doomed because we’re all out of grit and road salt and within hours the trucks won’t be able to get to my supermarket to resupply our community with bread and milk and shortly after, fuel will run out because all the truckers will have frozen to death on the snowed in roads. Then there was a special documentary on after the news that told us how its all because the country is fucked and we have no money to buy ourselves out of it and its all our own faults and we deserve it for being bad but we’re all getting through it because of the ‘blitz spirit’. Still at least they haven’t cancelled All New Celebrity Dancing Wank Off Island with Brucie.”

Subtle satire isn’t dead.

Before I sign off…one final word on this matter…

STOP GOING ON ABOUT THE FUCKING ‘BLITZ SPIRIT’.

There hasn’t been a fucking blitz since 1941. Its doubtful whether anyone who survived the sustained bombing campaign from September 1940 to May 1941 even gives a shit about anyone else now, especially as they’re all struggling on tiny pensions and have no heating and worrying about being turned over by present day hoody scum off their tits on badly mixed drugs and super strength lager with nothing better to do with their time because they don’t have jobs cos it’s easier to live off handouts than have real fucking job, let alone wanting to invite people in to face almost certain death by the bombs of a facist dictatorship regime.

So again….please pass on this message.

DO NOT use the phrase ‘BLITZ SPIRIT’ in context with current events. If you do…you are an infected penis.

I think that about covers things for now.

Remember, have fun and don’t have nightmares and I still love you.

Bye Bye Chums.